Is it heaven or hell?

What a day… Pretty busy day for me… Went out to get my PR and had a pretty big “senseless” fight with my wife.  I just got married 2 months ago, around May.  Don’t know if it is love why I married her or what, maybe because I got her pregnant…  I know that this is one of the senseless decisions I made in my life.  My reason behind it is to maker her feel better in life and not feel rejected and also for the baby.  Honestly, I don’t really know if I love her enough.  I don’t know why I keep on hurting her and I’m always so rude to her, and for me it feels nothing, normal, no mercy at all… Sometimes I envy people because they really do feel they’re inlove.  They feel that they can do everything for their love ones… Me?  Sometimes I feel I’m inlove, but most of the times I’m not.  I can’t even see my future clearly…

To the readers, I’m sorry because most of my articles are not well structured.  Don’t worry, next time I’m going to do an outline first. =)

So many things to say and so many things to do…

Another turning point in my life…

I applied for a PR and it was approved last Monday (20th July 2009).  I’m not excited, maybe because I know that I’m going to be a PR anyway… I’m a good citizen!  And definitely it’s Singapore’s advantage to let me stay on their country.  Hehehe, that’s called “confidence”.  I’m a bit scared too, because they need to check me for medical examination.  I had some wild nights before I got married and even broke some protections because of long and ragged use…  If you know what I’m saying ^^, …  I was really scared because I thought I had acquired HIV during those wild nights…  A month ago, I experienced, for the first time in my life, really bad sore throat, fatigue, and very low immune system (I was really sick 2 weeks ago and never been this sick as far as I can remember) which are some of the symptoms of HIV.   I took the medical exam last Tuesday and just got it this afternoon around 3:45pm at Raffles Medical in Bugis.  Can still remember that hour in my life. I left the office, around 3pm, feeling so scared that I might be positive with Human Immunodeficiency Virus or HIV.  And all sorts of thoughts were running in my mind, like what I’m going to do, what I should do next, where should I go, how I’m going to tell my wife, how I’m going to break out the news in the office and in my family, etc.   I can even hear my heart pounding even inside the very noisy MRT.  Few more steps to Raffles Medical.  I keep on telling myself that it is better to do it now than sooner, that I should be strong if it is going to be positive.  Finally reached Raffles and queue on where I should claim the result.  I was right behind a Filipina and saw her sign some papers and hand the appointment paper to the nurse.  I also saw the nurse get her records in a pile of paper right in front of us…  Then the nurse asked for the paper I was holding, searched the same pile of papers where she took the Filipina’s document who’s also applying for a PR…  And it wasn’t there!!! Again, my lovely brain started to telling me that those pile of papers are negatives, and you’re positive that’s why they separated you… Shit! (that very moment keeps on playing until the time I’m writing this blog, 11:50pm)…  And she took a big brown envelope that contains my X-ray.  She reached for a small paper inside the envelope… And confirmed if it is really my name… I was peeking and she folded the paper in half hiding the result for HIV, only revealing me the result for TB which is Negative…  Everything was in slow motion and I slowly unfolded the paper to reveal the result, AND IT WAS NEGATIVE!!!  I started to shout deep in my heart and thanking “Him”… And realized that I’m one of the luckiest person in the world… =)  It sounds like a boring story, but man, you should feel it and also the adrenaline rush, that particular heart-pounding moment of revelation.  Life goes on and I’m planning to celebrate it this weekend with some beers ^^,

A very busy day at work

I’m pretty busy at work today but still managed to get some time to write this blog.  It’s almost 6pm and time to go home but my wife is still in the hospital on my home country and thinking of using my office’s phone for the international call.  Saves me some bucks =) 

Damn, what a month for me at work, so many projects to work on and study.  Telephony and network infrastructure.  I think I’m having a hard time composing all the things I need to present all the projects running on my mind to our directors.  There are lots of projects I want to do!  Maybe I like this company so much and I know I can do more for the company to make all the staffs life here easier in terms of IT and telephony and making our computer system more reliable, stable and redundant as possible with low budget.

I already saved a lot of money for my company, not just in productivity but also monetary.  For long distance phone calls alone, I managed to save them more than S$8k a month.  That’s a big sum of money for me.  After that, I asked for a S$1k increase but got rejected, sad but I still accepted it, no increase this 1st half of fiscal year. 

Well, I’m here now, still happy because I know that the management loves me.  One of my friend told me that we’re just numbers to the management and the company.   We’re employees that are can be easily dispensed.  I know this idealism and I’m on the same stand, that everyone is dispensible.  I’m just doing my job and I’m good at it!  Anything good I do for the company, I do it also for myself too.  That’s how I think.  It’s a win win situation.  I do my study, testing and implementation using the company resources, then on the actual implementation itself, they’ll benefit on the features and advantages.  I benefit because I learn more stuffs that fuels my career on IT, that’s why I managed to get on my current job position now.  Maybe that way of thinking separated me to most of the people who are on IT who just stand there doing nothing because everything is stable and thinking that the computers they’re administering are doing its job, period.

I’m pretty excited with the projects for this  year and I hope it gets approve.  I’ll write it down on my “Technology” blog for the details of my projects.  It is simple and easy to do.   I just need some time to properly do it following best practices with best implementation and also doing  the best documentation that any IT can easily understand.  Just a ten minute break for me to write this blog. =)  Blog with you soon.

My Review on Asus EEEPC 1002HA

This is my very first time to write a review online and on my anonymous blog.  My goal is to give back my knowledge and share it to people, and I hope that  I can be of some help to some people on this blog because there are very few reviews on this netbook as of now.

Moving ahead, I really love this netbook!  It rocks!  When I first saw this netbook, it was inside a beautifully crafted black box with all the accessories, that includes the charger, battery, cd, manuals and a netbook bag that perfectly fits the netbook.  I’m a bit concern with the bag because everytime I put it inside the bag, it hits the zipper and definitely scratches the netbook.  Friendly advice to new users, be careful when inserting and taking it out from the bag!

I love the screen size and it is a matte non-glossy finish.  Screen resolution and quality is kinda awful and gave me a lot of headaches when I read and watch some educational stuffs.  It looked like that it still has a plastic on top of the screen and looks rubbish and resolution of the screen is not good.  Maybe it is my first time to use a netbook that’s why I’m not used to this kind of resolution and low quality LCD screen.  I even went back to Simlim to check other netbooks, Acer’s netbook’s LCD looks more superb than 1002h under the shop’s lighting condition.  I managed to slightly fix this problem by buying an LCD screen protector.  Just my suggestion, get a glossy screen protector to improve the screen quality and also lightings of the LED type LCD screen.

This netbook is perfect for me, because I can’t play high-end games properly (which makes me more productive) while I can still watch movies and also view educational videos with very good audio and video quality.  Sound quality is great compared to some mono and cheap netbooks that I’ve seen.

I also like the way they designed the body of the netbook.  The top is brushed aluminum and looks really solid.  It looks cozy and really “high end”.  Bottom line, love the design even if you compare it with Sony VAIO (which is really overrated!). 

About the keyboard, I’m a typist since highschool and I can say that the keyboard layout is perfectly fine with only few stroke problem, not because of the layout, but because of my typing skill =).  I wonder why some people are having problem with the shift key on the right which I think is perfectly fine!  It’s like a normal keyboard.  My conclusion is because they don’t know how to type properly and use 11 fingers for typing =)

Key functions are great and can’t say more on the layout and how they alligned the function keys and some other especial keys, pretty normal for a laptop.  I love how they added an extra “fn” key right beside the cursor keys.  It made browsing my ebooks very easy because everything you need to move around a page is there.  One big problem I encountered on the keyboard is when using these especial keys inside a dark room.  Every laptop has its own placement of special keys and there are no standard, and if you’re not yet used to the layout or you use different laptops, then you’ve a problem of always looking for it and zooming your face on the keyboard to find the right function key.   If they can just add a customized-controllable background lightings on the keyboard will be really perfect for typing on any condition, which I think netbooks are really built for.

I also love the Elantech technology they used on the keypad.  It’s like using a Mac; pretty easy to navigate and really responsive.

It doesn’t really get hot even if using it with 100% cpu for more than 20 minutes, transferring my ebooks to pocket pc while tagging it and at the same time watching movie, browsing internet, skyping, etc…   I’m a lazy guy and love to type and watch on my bed and putting my laptop on my chest.  I just need a thin layer of cloth to be more comfortable.

It’s pretty light for a mobile powerful computer and had a really good deal because it came with a free external DVD drive.  This is one of the best mobile computers that I’ve ever used.  This is also perfect for people who only need to use a laptop to type, browse the net, do some MS Office standard work, and you’re not a real power user or a gamer  It can do most of the things I need for a mobile computer.  I’ll give it 5 out of 5 rating.

7th of July 2009 – GMT+8, because of Love

I woke up this morning, thinking of just going for an hour or so swimming with my swimming buddy… I didn’t go because I was too lazy and I woke up late.  I also need to meet my highschool friend somewhere in Harbourfront.  I’m living in Singapore and still loving it here, mentioned this because I didn’t mention this on my previous blog and introduction.  Was a bit excited maybe because I was expecting that she’ll complement me on how I look now.  Selfish but true.  I was a nerdy looking guy in highschool, maybe until now, but there are so much things that changed on me, looks and everything.  Moving on, it was a typical “touring my tourist friend thing”.  Only 6 hours of tour, so we ended up in Sentosa.  Rode the Luge and skyride, went to Palawan beach but unfortunately, they’re renovating it and didn’t manage to take a picture of the “Souther most part of Asia”, which I’m still wondering if they’re damn or stupid to put it there and caption it which is definitely not true.  It was quite and usual touring experience but suddenly, my sister called me.  And shouted at me “You’re wife is going to give birth!  Call our house! Now!” , with the perfect exclamation mark as how I typed it!  I called our house and my mum answered, and told me that we’re going to bring your wife to the hospital…  Talked to my wife and told me the same thing.  I was still relaxed because I can’t do anything and even if I panic or get excited, can’t do anything, I’m 3 hours plane away from home.  We continued touring my friend and played some video games.   Had some chat with my highschool friends with my highschool crush.  Then it was 5.40pm and it was time to go.  She needs to go back to KL. 

Now, exactly 11:53PM, same date.  Still 6th of July.  I called my mum 30 minutes ago to check her and my wife, I feel bad because I’m not at home and I’m not right beside her.  And worse because I was really cruel to her today and for the past few days.  Maybe I’m not used to girls and I hate everytime she acts like she’s a girl and act like she know everything, which she always say that she doesn’t.  Maybe that’s how she talks.  Regardless of this difference, I still do love her.

I feel quite excited, scared and I’m looking forward on her giving birth to my son.  Hope everything is ok, especially my son.  I feel guilty because I gave a lot of pressure and threw very cruel words to my wife when she was still pregnant…  I feel sorry for that, but everytime I look back, I can’t imagine how I ended up like this to her.  Is it me or is it her… Well, I’m just going to throw it all out now and dump the doubts I’ve on her, I’ll love her and also my son because I know that we’re going to be happy and I know that we”ll feel another level of happiness that we’ve never felt before when we were still alone and single.  Everything is going to be fine…

25th of March 2009 – Confused and don’t know what to do

25/03/2009 12:55PM

This is my very own daily dosage.  This blog site will act as my diary and also for me to be able to express my feelings.

I’m really confused not just today, but also for the past 4 months.  I don’t know what to do, and this is one of the main reasons why I’m writing this blog.  Maybe there are some wise people out there who’ll read my blog and comment on a constructive way, or maybe I can share this to someone who’ll learn something on what’s happening in my life and might be helpful.

I’ll just write anything that comes out in my mind, so bare with me.

I’m currently having a very tough time lately.  My GF is pregnant, and well, I’m really on a very tight budget.  I asked her to go back to our home country for her to take care of herself and also give time for myself.  At first, I’m really confident that I’ll be fine and thought that this is the best way, because I’m pressured, and I’m really pissed off.. Before, when we’re still living together, I don’t have time for myself that’s why I ended up on this decision on sending her back to our home country, I know, it’s a bit selfish.  Now, I’M TOTALLY MISSING HER!  Even on the first few hours that we separated, I was on the plane, I cried!  Damn, it never happened to me before! I feel that I left someone back there, that I’ll totally miss.  I’m confused because sometimes I feel like I don’t love her at all, and I’m a bit pessimist because I feel that these are all a mistake.

Every now and then, I day dream, so many “what ifs”, like what if I broke up with her earlier before this thing happened? What if we didn’t meet at all? And every time I day dream, I ended up alone, but happy on my dream.  I hate myself.  I feel I’m an immature boy trying to look on some problem and forcing myself to be happy, but deep inside… I’m not… or I don’t know.

Now we’re planning to get married, maybe on April or May.  And definitely I’m not sure.  I feel like I’m being pressured because I got her pregnant.  I don’t want her to feel sad and frustrated, I don’t want her to look like a whore or some girls got pregnant by some random guy, coz I still care for her, that’s why I want to marry her.  But getting married means spending your whole life with her, but I’m not feeling that way…  And I don’t know, my conscience can’t bear it anymore, every time we talk, I always want her to feel happy… That means even saying the words that I know will make her feel happy even if it is not coming out of my heart.

I’m going back there after a trip on one of our branch offices and will be pasing by to our home country.  This is for the Easter holiday and because I miss her too.  There are so many things to write; maybe I’ll update this later this evening.